| #5
- The Team and The Bean
Gulin Akoz, Nov.
'01
Bergen
Part 1:
That’s what I am… a witch.
A witch who plucks out people’s hearts.
don’t have a home, don’t have a place to call my
own..
don’t belong to nowhere.
Did I ever belong to anywhere?
----
Jeff said “Home is where the heart is,” and asked
“Where is your heart?”
Yeah, where is my heart?
I don’t know… Haven’t seen it for a long time.
But I know what there is in my heart. There lies a special treasure…
it’s sort of magical… nobody can steal it…
not even time… but I can’t tell you what it is…
it’s a secret. and secrets are not supposed to be told.
-------
I remember a song that they had thought us in our first year
in high-school. The name must be “Tumbalalaika”
and the lyrics were:
What can grow without snow or rain?
What can burn for endless years?
And what can cry but shed no tears?
Maiden maiden you’re joking I know..
A stone can grow without rain or snow..
Love can burn for endless years,
A heart can cry, but shed no tears.
-----
Jeff’s definition of ‘home’ makes me sad.
I guess I’ll go with “Home is wherever I lay my
hat.”
Part 2:
I’m a traveller… a boring one. Have you ever heard
of a boring traveller? To me, traveller by definition implies
an exciting, interesting person. But I’m an exception!
Even I am bored with myself, what would you expect other people
to do? I have never been so bored to death with myself, so unenthusiastic
about living. Yet, strangely people are enthusiastic about what
I do. Where is the music? I can’t hear any…
This reminds me of the best compliment I got in my life. No,
it wasn't anything like "You are beautiful, you are smart,
you're an angel" sort of thing. The best compliment I got
was this:
"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps
it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to
the music which he hears, however measured or far away."
A friend wrote an e-mail and said he read this someplace and
it made him think of me. I couldn't get the correlation, so
I asked one of my favorite questions: "Why?" He wrote
back saying I should make all the masculine words feminine.
"If you still don't hear a rhythm, this doesn't mean there
is no rhythm but that you are so used to living with it that
you cannot recognize it."
He went on to say that this was to be considered an achievement.
Really?
What’s the use if I don’t hear the music myself?
--------
I have no ambitions, I have no dreams.. I tell you, I’m
a dull person.
No fantasies, no imagination... I’m better off dead!
Whatever people say I take their word for it. No, I’m
not stupid. I am wise enough to know that
crying does not always mean you're unhappy
just as happiness does not always express itself as laughter
out loud
and there is more to words than just the simple meaning…
It’s just that I live by facts. I had no childhood dreams,
I don’t have dreams now either. I have realities.
But what is reality?
---------
The first law of thermodynamics states that energy is neither
created nor destroyed. Similarly, matter is conserved.
So what becomes of love? Where does it go when you fall out
of love? Is it transferred to someone else? Where is love when
you are angry at the person you love? Is it hiding? What happens
to broken hearts? Is there a place to mend them? Not that I
need such a place. I cannot love. Maybe I don’t have a
heart in the first place.. that is why. But then… there
must be something which keeps me going.
what do I long for?
-------
I go and see a new country, meet new people everyday.
Do I change? No! it’s the same old me. Day in day out.
And who are these people around me? Where are my friends? Does
anybody have any friends beside himself? How nice it would be
if I were my best friend. Even I can’t be friends with
myself (that’s a lie! One of the biggest I’ve ever
told :)
What’s going on around me? I have no control… no
control over my life. Yet ask any friend of mine, they will
say I make things happen. Is that true? I don’t think
so..
Was I always like this or did I just become one? Where is the
spirit, where is the inspiration that so many people see in
me?
“Take care,” they all say. Of course I will…
but then maybe not. I won’t if I don’t want to.
I’ll do whatever I feel like doing. Should it matter to
you? But that question would be too harsh… I cannot be
that cruel!
-----------
all my feelings are gone.. i am numb.
my stream of thought lack harmony…
the story starts… but it doesn’t end.. and it doesn’t
go anywhere. “Even if there is something like a happy
love, there’s no happy ending,” a song goes in Turkish.
But then… is there an end to anything in life?
all my thoughts are gone… i feel empty |
